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EPIGRAMS OF EVE 




A TELEPHONE IS AN INSTRUMENT BY WHICH ONE CAN BREAK 
AN ENGAGEMENT WITH EASE 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



BY 

SOPHIE IRENE LOEB 

\ 

WITH SUNDRY DECORATIONS 

BY 

RUBY LIND 




NEW YORK 

GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY 



-^53 



^2,^ 






COPYRIGHT, I913 
Y GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY 



Z'^*^ 



Dedication 



rO Humanity do I dedicate this hook. For, 
from Humanity I took it. If I have not 
taken it rightly or justly, pray, gentle 
human, it is for you to take it, As You Like It or 
As You Find It, It is for you to remember that 
which may seem Wise and forget that which may 
seem Otherwise, If you are a good player on the 
checker-hoard of life you will readily recognise 
Some People, What Is a Friend, A Fool, and 
perchance you may therehy win Love, Marriage, 
Money — the Humanisms of existence. And if 
you are of the same opinion Before and After 
reading these pages, you have hut lost your time ; 
and the hest player in the whole game of life is he 
who knows how to he a good loser. 



The Author 

A Daughter of Eve 



5] 



Contents 



PAGB 

What is New York? 9 

What is Paris? 13 

What is London? . . , 16 

A Creed of a Friend 20 

What is a Friend? 21 

What is Love? 23 

What is a Fool ? 25 

Old Maxims For New 27 

Man 28 

Woman 32 

Marriage • • 37 

A Creed of Love 44 

Love 45 

Concerning Cupid 53 

A Creed of Some People 56 

Some People 57 



l7l 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

Money 62 

"As You Like. It" 66 

As You Find It 70 

Wise and Otherwise 'j'j 

A Creed of Humanity 84 

Humanisms' 85 

Trouble 89 

Divorce 91 

Taxi Tips 93 

Before and After 95 



fB] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 
What is New York? 

It is : — 

Where the atmosphere breathes sex every 
minute and a babe is born every hour. 

Where they sell potatoes by the pound and 
** booze" by the barrel. 

Where the stars come nightly to the sky 
but are overshadowed by the stars of the 
Great White Way. 

Where every man meets every woman and 
wonders, "How far.?" 

Where everybody thinketh in his heart, 
** What's your game?" 
[9] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Where youth barters beauty for old age at 
the behest of Mammon. 

Where young girls learn the wily ways of 
womanhood before they have begun to 
use hairpins. 



Where married men have "lady chums 
and married women are "good fellows. 



Where the millionaire has his bachelor 
quarters and his wife her house uptown 
and the servants are paid for their quiet 
qualities. 

Where the man of the hour has n't a minute 
to spare. 

Where they are money mad and love 
foolish. 

Where a man may slide through every 
commandment but the eleventh. 

Where a taxicab is a private room on wheels. 

[ 10 ] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Where the sanatoriums are filled with folk 
on the return journey from "the easiest 
way." 

Where people call each other by their first 
names after twenty-four hours' acquaint- 
ance. 

Where to the initiated all is as naked as 
the truth, yet hidden under the cloak of 
convention. 

Where a deserted husband has the sym- 
pathy of all the widows and old maids, 
and a deserted wife is looked upon with 
suspicion. 

Where a single man is happy out of the 
home and a married man is glad there is 
no place like home. 

Where the popular man seeks not to hide 
his light under a bushel but rather his 
shady side. 

[ II ] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Where the dimbers crave the plaudits of 
the people rather than the favour of the 
few. 

Where "sweetheart" is the commonest 
word in the English language. 

Where there is the devil to pay and the 
price is not considered. 

Where Cupid and Corks usually pop at 
the same time. 



[ 12] 




MANY YOUNG WOMEN TOIL NOT, NEITHER DO 

THEY SPIN, YET SOLOMON IN ALL HIS GLORY WAS 

NOT ARRAYED AS ONE OF THESE 



What is Paris? 

Where sex is the keynote of existence. 

Where many young women ''toil not, 
neither do they spin, yet Solomon in 
all his glory was not arrayed as one of 
these." 

Where women ponder not what they shall 
wear, but how much. 

Where the American pays the fiddler, while 
Paris dances. 

Where titled people meet in studios, tell 
what great men their grandfathers were, 
and then whisper, "Lend me five francs/' 

Where wit is only recognized when it has 
a risque turn. 

[ 13 1 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Where life is one mad maelstrom with an 
undercurrent of mirth. 

Where wives support their husbands m 
various ways. 

Where suffrage is replaced by cooking 
schools. 

Where the marriage tie means freedom. 

Where all the world's a stage with sou- 
brettes in the majority. 

Where wine, women, and song are the three 
ruling muses. 

Where nobody throws stones, for all live 
in glass houses. 

Where a part of the servant girl's wages 
is her wine money. 

Where marriage is merely a matter of law 
and where love is merely a matter of 
form. 

[ 14 1 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Where a man and woman may suddenly 
announce, "We are one," and Society 
answers, "Entrez, s'il vous plait/' 

Where vanity was born and never left 
home. 

Where the music-halls bear the unwritten 
invitation, "Take your choice/' 

Where nothing is impossible but virtue. 



t 15] 



What is London? 

London is seasoned with the salt of Rome, 
the pepper of Paris, a dash of New York, 
and yet has a flavour all its own. 

Where they hand Acts of Parliament to 
the people like giving a child its medicine, 
saying, "Take it, dearie, it is good for 
you." 

Where they say, "Truth is stranger than 
the American Press." 

Where the old things are the most fashion- 
able. 

Where the parks close at 7.30, the restau- 
rants at midnight, but there are other 
places. 

[ 16 ] 




WIIKKK OLD I'ALACES ARE PROPPED UP WITH NEW DOLLARS 
AT THE EXPENSE OF CUPID 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Where Who's Who matters much more 
than What's What. 

Where old palaces are propped up with new 
dollars at the expense of Cupid. 

Where "By appointment to His Majesty 
the King" may mean a jewelled crown 
or a cake of soap. 

Where women smoke and men wear brace- 
lets. 

Where the homeliest women sell the most 
beautiful flowers. 

Where they think the cheapest thing in 
America is money. 

Where the Pit sees a joke before the Stalls. 

Where woman is never refused equal rights 
with man in one place — the saloon. 

Where barmaids have not yet outgrown 
their usefulness. 

[ 17] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Where an M.P. makes a law for the people 
and spends the balance of his term 
explaining it. 

Where some women break windows, while 
others break hearts. 

Where everything new is looked upon with 
suspicion. 



[ i6 1 



A CREED OF A FRIEND 

I believe that real friend- 
ship, like wine, grows better 
with the years. It waxes 
warm when the spirits are 
low and soothes to sleep the 
fever of unrest. In vain may 
we ask the stars why we come ; 
neither do they tell whence 
we go. But in the interim 
we live, act and have our 
being in the thought of a 
friend. For time nor test, 
when tried and true, can take 
a friend away from you. 



What is a Friend? 

A friend is one who stands up for you in 
public and sits down on you in private. 

He it is who helps you take your bitter 
pill by sugar-coating it for you. 

A friend is one who withholds judgment 
no matter how long you have his un- 
answered letter. 

He refuses to sign your note because he 
wants to remain your friend. 

A friend is one who gives you the bouquet 
before you die. 

He is your enemy when you need one. 

A friend is one who handles you with 
boxing gloves when you are strong, and 
with silk mittens when you are weak. 

[21 ] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



He it is who waits until the morning after 
to disagree with you. 

A friend is one who, when he sees you "in 
the soup/' shows you how to swim out. 

And when you are in the down-and-out 
club a friend is one who will give you the 
first aviation push ! 



I 



[22] 



What is Love? 

Love is the only key that has no duplicate. 

Love regulates the pendulum of time and 
puts wrinkles in the shade. 

Love is the soothing zephyr in the seething 
centre of strife. 

Love is the one unfailing traveller that 
reaches the road of reform. 

Love is on the right end of the horseshoe 
and draws the magnetism of joy. 

Love makes the arms of little children 
stretch out to you. 

Love is the only lubricant that makes the 
marriage wheel go without screeching. 
[23] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Love extended at the right time stops the 
tear and the closed fist. 

Love is the straight road to happiness and 
there are no transfers issued from the 
main Hne. 

When love enters the hovel of the pauper 
it transforms it into the palace of the 
peer. 

And if you are weak, wan, weary, and 
things all seem huddled in a corner — 
when love enters, there is a guarantee 
giving a new lease of life with a clear 
receipt at the end. 

Love is a habit — get it ! 



I 24 ] 



What is a Fool? 

A fool is the fellow who introduces his best 
girl to his best friend. 

A fool and his money are easily parted, but 
at the time of parting he is termed a 
"good fellow." 

A fool is one who puts all his trust in the 
one woman, and finds she isn't the one. 

A fool is one who, having fought for a friend, 
is told by him to mind his own business. 

A fool is the host who is forgotten the next 
morning. 

A fool rushes in where angels fear to tread, 
but if he gets wings to fly out he is 
termed a "wise old owl." 

[25l 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



A fool is a peacemaker, and, somehow, a 
peacemaker is never forgiven. 

A fool is he who not only fills a want but 
wants to fill it. 

A fool there was, is, and always will be 
world without end. Amen. 



[26] 



Old Maxims for New 

Love to man, is but a thing to start, 'tis 
woman's whole persistence. 

There's many a shp 'twixt the Up and the 
altar. 

An ounce of convention is worth a pound of 
cure. 

Necessity is the mother-in-law of pre- 
vention. 

When experience comes in the door, illusion 
flies out the window. 

SuflScient unto the evening is the compan- 
ion thereof. 

Where there's a will there's a devil to pay. 

All Jack and no work makes Jill a dull girl. 

Great minds run in the same subway. 

[27] 



Man 

The man who crawls in his shell never has 
any room to laugh. 

A perfect man is never interesting. 

The horribly dignified man never did have 
a good time. 

Men are known not only to ''hitch their 
waggons to a Star," but their automo- 
biles, houses, money too. 

A real ''good fellow" is one who never 
misses an opportunity to be one. 

A gentleman is one that does not have to 
prove it. 

When a fellow thinks he is "on" to the 
town, the town is usually "on" to him. 
[28] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Bachelor — As you sew, so also shall you 
rip. 

A man would fight if called a "puppy," 
but is flattered at being termed a "gay 
dog." 

Most men who think they are educated 
crackers are only gingersnaps. 

When a man tells you he understands 
women, clear your throat and close one 
eye. 

Many a man has greatness thrust upon 
him, but he does not know how to catch 
it. 

The man and the mollycoddle are like 
unto the live tree and the telegraph pole 
respectively ; the first sends out his mes- 
sages and the second only carries those of 
others. 

In competing for the crown of minuteness 
the molecule must yield the palm to the 
mollycoddle. 

[29] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



When a man does something that he is 
sorry for he falls back on the old Adam's 
apple excuse. 

When a man tells you how much he is 
respected in a town, think it over. 

Blessed is the man who has a job, for he 
shall inherit a pay envelope. 

Strong men are not afraid of boxing gloves, 
but let a girl give them the mitten and 
they go to pieces. 

Some men think they are rather indepen- 
dent when in reality they are rude. 

As a man primpeth, so is he. 

Some men think they are original, but in 
reality they are aboriginal. 

The men who reach the summits are few; 
the majority camp somewhere on the 
journey, while the balance get tired and 
take the toboggan route. 
[30] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



When a man tries to kill time, time turns 
the tables. 

It's funny what a difference a wife will 
make. 

Every man should make good before he 
makes love. 

** Lives there a man with soul so dead that 
never to himself has said, 'My life 
would make a book.' " 



[31I 



Woman 

Every vacation roost has its cackling hens. 

Some women want you to beheve they are 
helping the poor; in reaUty they want 
their names in the paper. 

A brainless beauty is but a toy for ever. 

The woman who is beloved by women only, 
is not remarkable for beauty. 

When a woman casts her eyes down she 
has a man in view. 

Even a woman minding her own business 
need not overlook a little of her husband's 
business. 

Men may come and men may go, but the 
nagging woman goes on for ever. 
[32] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Many women think they have poise when 
in reality it is avoirdupois. 

When women vote they will embrace every 
opportunity. 

Most women, when they can't get the man 
they care for, care for the man they can 
get. 

When a woman says she will think it over 
it is ''all off." 

Some women are like champagne ; the spark- 
ling bubbles are on the surface, the dregs 
are on the bottom, and show themselves 
only when the bubbles have quite dis- 
appeared. 

Some women are born with beauty, some 
achieve beauty, but none ever have 
beauty thrust upon them. 

Some women think they are philanthropists 
when in reality they are brass band 
performers. 

[33] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



To a lady card-fiend, a good game is rather 
to be chosen than great riches. 

The secret of a woman's power is not in 
her faculty for reasoning, but in her 
instinct. 

To most girls a moon without a man is like 
a mine of money on a desert island. 

Women delight in remnants of anything 
but a man. 

A happy married woman and a happily 
married woman are entirely two differ- 
ent propositions. 

Some girls won't even believe the mirror. 

A woman may redeem herself in everything 
but hurting a man's vanity. 

A grave is a chatterbox compared to a 
woman who sulks. 

A clever creature is she who manages the 
man who thinks he is the manager. 

[ 34] 




TO MOST GIRLS A MOON WITHOUT A MAN IS LIKE A MINE 
OF MONEY ON A DESERT ISLAND 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Some girls would rather go to a show than 
eat, but the majority are hungry before 
and after. 

When a woman says "yes" she means a 
dictionary of words, but when she says 
"no" an exclamation point would express 
it. 

When a woman ceases to be strait-laced 
she loses caste with her sex, but a man 
just begins to be popular. 

Many a woman has untied a knot by 
judicious twisting. 

A woman has two prerogatives — changing 
her mind and changing the subject. 

If a woman is a rag, a bone and a hank of 
hair, at least there are many willing 
ragpickers. 

What a blessing that mirrors are silent. 

Only a wallflower blushes unseen. 
[35] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Odd, but a woman who has drunk the 
dregs seeks to break the same cup for 
her daughter. 

The woman who is not criticised would 
never win a prize at a beauty show. 

Some women weep because they are widows 
and others because they are not. 

The woman who seeks to be beautiful had 
better change her mind rather than her 
face. 

A woman purrs at being termed a kitten 
but scratches when called a cat. 

Wise is the woman who knows when to 
grant a favour. 



[36] 



Marriage 



Fine feathers make fine birds, but fine 
birds are ever on the wing and careless 
about the home nest. 

Before marriage, it is two turtle doves; 
after, it is a turtle and a dove. 

Marriage is a matter of curiosity. 

Matrimony — Cupid's fire protection. Ali- 
mony — His life insurance. 

Affinities, like chickens, come home to 
roost and usually quit crowing about 
soulmates. 

People want the moonlight of glamour for 
love, but prefer the sunlight of truth for 
marriage. 

[37] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Marriage is often chief mourner at Love's 
funeral. 

Before marriage there is the Hfe-preserver 
of love to cling to, but afterward it is a 
case of sink or swim. 

The dictionary says that home is an habit- 
ual abode, but some men lose the habit. 

Strange how a man enjoys pulling the love 
knot tight, yet uses every energy to balk 
at the matrimonial yoke. 

Adonis, come to earth, could not rival the 
homely man with an automobile. 

There's many a tear in the heart that never 
reaches the eye. 

Sweethearts once, but married now! 

A scolding often acts like the wrong end of 
the magnet so far as the drawing power 
is concerned. 

He who hesitates is bossed. 
[38] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



A man now might win a chilly girl with 
some gumdrops. 

Treat your real husband as you did when 
he was a prospective one, and you will 
solve the "failure" question. 

In double harness, when nerves come in at 
the door happiness flies out of the window. 

There's as good fish in the matrimonial sea 
as ever was caught. 

In the quest for the ** golden girl" she is 
not always the one that glitters. 

If you want to know the truth about the 
misunderstood husband, ask the under- 
standing wife. 

A loose rein inviteth co-operation in the 
drive of matrimony. 

Hope cries to the old maid, "Cheer up! 
The first is yet to come." 
[39] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Some women are like bankrupts, ready to 
go into the hands of a receiver. 

The man who wants to throw himself into 
his wife's grave at her funeral usually is 
just the one to throw himself away at 
another woman soon after; he gets the 
habit. 

You may lead a man toward the altar, but 
you can't make him link. 

When a man marries he has added another 
ledger to his life's library that needs daily 
balancing. 

First marriage is a matter of sentiment; 
second marriage is a lack of sentiment. 

The woman who buys her husband a table- 
cloth for a Christmas gift believes in the 
theory of "taxation without representa- 
tion." 

Young man, never ask a girl to live with 
your mother. Let her go first. 
[ 40 ] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Some men get used to marriage as to to- 
bacco, only they want the brand changed. 

Most women who are attracted to a man 
before marriage find they are distracted 
after marriage. 

When people quarrel, one word brings on 
another until they acquire a vocabulary 
that they are ashamed of. 

*Tis a wise wife that keepeth her own 
counsel. 

Once married, always suspected. 

Showers are given for the bride-to-be; the 
storms come afterward. 

The women who marry some men answer 
a want ad. which no newspaper would 
have space enough to print, or man 
enough money to pay the wages thereof. 

Sister, if you must nag, get a Billikin; he 
is so deaf, and will smile, smile, smile. 

[41 ] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Marriage is the only lottery in which un- 
fortunately there are no blanks. 

In the matter of marriage, May flowers 
can no more bloom in December than 
December snows last in May. 

To be married happy is the general rule 
but to be happy married is the exception. 



[42] 



A CREED OF LOVE 

I believe that love is the 
leaven of life. It raises the 
hope of the human and sof- 
tens the strain of struggle. 
The wolf may come, but love 
muffles its howl. The fir- 
mament may be dark with 
clouds of despair — yet love 
looks at it through the large 
lens and finds the silver lining. 
Time and tide have come and 
gone but left love high and 
dry on the shores of eternity. 
Yea, even though the angel 
of the end enter, the soul 
whispers, " Tis well, 'tis well." 
Thus love is the loaf of life. 
Grant us our daily slice. 



Love 

The love line terminates at heaven or hell; 
it depends upon how far you go. 

The course of true love never did run 
smooth, but to the epicure, love is a 
matter of smooth courses. 

In the realm of love the old fool eventually 
comes to realize that he is on the wrong 
end of the magnet. 

It is rare atmosphere where the summer 
love weathers through the winter. 

In the realm of love a man hard hit is proud 
of it. 

As soon as a girl tells a man that he is 
everything in the world to her, etc., etc., 
[45] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



she may as well say ** good-bye" to him 
unless the knot is tied ; it is not good to 
have him too sure of her. 

When a girl tells a man how charming 
another girl is, her love for him is on the 
wane. 

A woman enjoys keeping her love a secret, 
but with hate it is a different matter. 

The only times a woman passes a remnant 
counter is when she goes shopping for 
hearts. 

Love is the germ that produces nearsight- 
edness. 

Many an hour has been brightened by a 
dim light. 

The wages of love is indifference. 

To keep the fire alive one must not be too 
sure of an everlasting spark. 
[46] 





ONE man's loss is ANOTHER AJAN'S GAME 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



The joy of beauty is in the possession of it, 
not being possessed by it. 

One may lose the habit of loving just the 
same as any other habit. 

There is nothing so dead as a dead love. 

As a man winks, so is he. 

The tragedies of love are written about 
the people who love love more than the 
object of love. 

Love arranges the money wheel to stop at 
the niche of satisfaction. 

When personalities creep in, love crawls 
out. 

One man's loss is another man's game. 

Too many *' flames" spoil the broth of love. 

The love that eludes is the one usually 
sought after. 

[47] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Hope deferred maketh the girl thin. 

A Httle love now and then is relished by 
the best of women. 

Love is the loaf of life, but some cannot 
even get a slice. 

The road of reform is reached by the way 
of love. 

Love is a burning of the heart that yields 
to the damper of matrimony. 

Possession may be nine points of the law, 
but loses out to one point of love. 

The woman who marries a man to reform 
him not only loses his love but him also. 

The game of love is like fishing; the joy is 
in the nibble of the bait rather than the 
possession of the fish. 

A cure for heart-burn: — A mouthful of 
hair, an armful of girl, and a moon. 
[48] 




A LITTLE LOVE NOW AND THEN IS RELISHED BY 
THE BEST OF WOMEN 



I 

EPIGRAMS OF EVE 

Affinity only earns its name after the test 
of apprenticeship in the Realm of Real- 
ism. 

Love is the only game where hearts are 
always trumps. 

Some men in hunting for dear often get 
swamped. 

A girl, no matter how much in love she is, 
would rather share a man's theatre 
tickets than his troubles. 

Love is the sauce that makes life palatable. 

In the matter of bonds, forged shackles of 
law lose out to spider threads of love. 

Some die of love — others for want of it. 

Love is the triumph of a woman's wiles 
and a man's conceit. 

Love is the loaf of life, but a slice doesn't 
satisfy. 

[ 49 ] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



When love appears, prudence takes to her 
heels. 

The rumpled blouse and the distorted neck- 
tie are the tell-tale traces of the mooners. 

Platonic friendship : — The interval be- 
tween the introduction and the first kiss. 

A man must make hay while the sun shines 
if he would win love in the moonshine. 

If a girl says "I will never forgive you** 
after a man kisses her, she means, of 
course, if he should never try again. 

When the kimona comes in at the door, 
love flies out the window. 

The woman who forever advises another 
how to keep a sweetheart never has one 
herself. 

A woman is mistress of her love, but master- 
ful of her hate. 

[50] 




THE BEST EXCUSE A MAN HAS FOR KISSING A GIRL IS BEING 
ENGAGED TO HER— BUT THERE ARE OTHERS 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



To woman, love is the breath of life; to 
man, 'tis a passing zephyr. 

An engagement in hand is worth two in 
the imagination. 

In time of love prepare for war. 

One good love deserves another is the 
theory of the "popular" fellow. 

Love is a man's pastime; a woman's servi- 
tude. 

The man who takes to flirtation, often 
takes to his heels. 

The best excuse a man has for kissing a 
girl is being engaged to her — but there 
are others. 

The touch-me-not flower is usually left to 
weep unseen and waste her tears on the 
desert air. 

[51] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



A young man's fancy which too lightly 
turns in Spring, will later his winter 
garments of repentance fling. 

Love is blind, but marriage is gifted with 
second sight. 

Most kisses are episodes but a few are 
events. 

A dead match leaves no spark of love 
behind. 

Love terminates when it tames. 

In the hasty wooing 'tis better to have 
loved and lost than later to be unloved 
and bossed. 



I 52] 



Concerning Cupid 

A pretty girl's fortune-teller is her mirror. 

Courting nowadays may be summed up in 
a question mark, a dollar mark and a 
period. 

He who flirts and runs away lives to flirt 
another way. 

A girl with two escorts is like a ship well 
manned. 

Cupid is the only cub reporter in the game 
of love that never gets scooped. 

You can't hold a mortgage on Cupid unless 
you pay heart interest. 

When a man is in love he is like unto the 
eyeless Cupid, and sees not. 
[53I 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



All religions must yield the palm when 
Cupid ascends the pulpit. 

All's swell that ends well. 

Where there is smoke there is a smothered 
flame. Ask some want-to-be-afRnity. 

Lucky for many that the Lady Moon is 
the only eternal feminine that can keep 
secrets. 

The most painful realization to woman is 
when man can no longer be jealous of her. 

Cupid composes; woman supposes; man 
proposes; marriage disposes; affinity 
interposes, and divorce closes. 



[54] 



A CREED OF SOME PEOPLE 

I believe that some people 
add to our joys while others 
to our sorrows. There are 
those who make or mar our 
every moment and so influ- 
ence the hours, the days, 
months, years and in the 
end — our lifetime. To love 
those that love us is natural. 
To bear with those that hurt 
us is human. To forgive our 
enemies, is the cultivation of 
big spirit; but to create a 
sense of tolerance such that 
no man can make you hate 
him approaches the Divine 
and creates a creed of living 
that borders on infinity. 



Some People 



Some people think they are on the defensive 
when it is offensive. 

Some people are as narrow as the streets 
in which they live. 

Some people think they are guests, but 
others find them jests. 

Some people are hypochondriacs as to their 
value in the world, which in reality is 
below par. 

Some men look and act like an interroga- 
tion point. 

Some fellows for ever harp about how the 
world is treating them. Turn the prop- 
osition around, brother. 

[57] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



A man who is always looking for a job is 
usually the man who is never on the job. 

When superstition comes in at the door, 
reason flies out of the window. 

The mother-in-law in the case is often the 
friend in need. 

Most people who prate about having the 
courage of conviction in reality have but 
the courage of convention. 

Some people are human furniture whose 
presence we know only by the disagree- 
able creaks. 

Some women have not the heart to run a 
man down, but they have the appetite to 
eat his dinner. 

Some near-sighted people are very far- 
seeing. 

Some people are jewels in the wrong setting. 

[58] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



If everybody, like notes, were taken at face 
value, what a number of ** protests'' 
there would be. 

If you must run the race, be your own stop 
watch. 

Many people take things for granted, even 
calamities. 

Some people think heaven is situated some- 
where above earth ; others locate it down 
in the wine-cellar. 

Those who are for ever fighting the world's 
conventions, decrees and doctrines in 
their actions, never can be happy. 

Some people are mere bubbles; only they 
remain in the air too long. 

Most people think they sound a real note 
when in reality it is but an echo of 
another's. 

Enough of anything is plenty, but plenty 
to some people is never enough. 
[59 1 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Some folks look on the stage of life through 
the wrong end of the opera-glasses. 

Some people we remember, and some we 
recall. 

Some people make a mountain out of a 
molehill, and one whose summit they 
cannot prove even to the scientists. 

The line of least resistance is to most people 
the lifehne. 

Just because a girl wears a long veil is no 
reason to believe that she has just stepped 
out of an automobile. 

Some men look upon a cigar as more im- 
portant than a life-preserver. 

People who continually talk about their 
family tree forget to tell about the fallen 
leaves. 

A friend in need is always on hand. 
[ 60 1 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Some people think they are in full-dress 
when in reality they are in fool-dress. 

Most people who think they are shamless 
are, in reality, shameless. 



[6i 



Money 

The rich lady-killer marches in like a lion 
and goes out like a shorn lamb. 

Men, like trout, are easily caught with a 
gaudy feather. That's why there's money 
in millinery. 

Even a ''good fellow" objects to coming 
in like a lion and going out like a shorn 
lamb. 

Faint chance never won fair results. 

It is inconvenient to be poor, but it is also 
poor to be inconvenient. 

The modern dictionary will spell fiancee — 
financee. 

[ 62 1 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



These days, Mary doesn't lose her httle 
Iamb until he is well shorn. 

The easiest way for a woman to get over 
loving a man is to lend him money. 

Money may be filthy lucre, but a little 
dirt now and then is relished by the best 
of men. 

The scratch that hurts most is the scratch 
for a living. 

A woman can make a dollar go so far that 
she has only fifty cents worth. 

And now we know why money talks ; it is 
closely related to women. 

The modern Delilah still does the shearing 
act, and even the wide-awake Samsons 
verily are they shorn. 

The speculator who casts his coin upon 
the watered stock looking for returns, 
generally returns still looking. 
[63] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



A successful man is without sin in the eyes 
of woman. 



Riches may not bring happiness, but neither 
does poverty. 

Money is the string that pulls the world. 

The fellow on the toboggan of joy does not 
realize it until he strikes bottom. 

There may be some things that money 
won't buy, but one can't think of them 
at a moment's notice. 

Many a man is lonesome because he is 
penny wise and girl foolish. 

"Drink, pretty creature, drink," said 
Wordsworth, but the modern Words- 
worth counts the cost first. 

Two is company and three is a crowd, 
except when the crowd is called money. 
[64] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Be suspicious of the man who carries his 
money in a Httle tight pocket-book. 

'Tis never too late to spend. 

Money makes the mare go, but it depends 
upon the driver how far. 



[63] 



" As You Like It " 

Language is the medium by which some 
folks talk about things they do not know. 

If silence is golden, silver is a stolen whisper 
in the dark. 

A discord on the piano can pass off if 
played by one hand, but with both the 
rhythm is completely lost. So it is with 
quarrels. 

Like a moving street car, the spirit of Spring 
has always room for one more. 

Jealousy is largely a matter of self-conceit. 

All preaching and no practice makes Jack 
a dull prude. 

[ 66 1 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



There are a few things in print that nobody 
would subscribe to but everybody buys. 

You can't pay bills with artistic tempera- 
ment. 

When in doubt don't let anybody know it. 

A club is a place where a man receives his 
private mail. 

A party line is a telephone arrangement 
whereby an anti-sufifragette is never lone- 
some. 

If the sins of the father are visited on the 
children, there must have been some gay 
old dads some years ago. 

Gumption, grit and greenbacks are the 
three "G's" that germinate. 

A muff is a receptacle for a girl's lunch — 
and sometimes for "holding hands." 
[67 ] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Candies, flowers, theatre tickets and sweet 
nothings make up the potpourri of wooing 
nowadays. 

A lemon is something you run away from 
and get, while a plum you run after and 
don't get. 

Create the chime of cheer rather than the 
dirge of discord. 

To the prude holidays are holydays. 

If actions speak louder than words, then 
some men's actions are veritable cannons 
in disguise. 

There may be many defenders of woman's 
rights, but who ever heard of man's 
wrongs ? 

A cocktail is the red ink that covers the 
deficit. 

[68 1 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



You cannot, however, always escape a situ- 
ation by running away from it. 

If men were truthful, women would be 
miserable. 

Talk is cheap, but cheap talk is telephonitis. 



69 



As You Find It 

The modern Circe is the girl in the bathing 
suit. The Ulysses are on the spot. 

Silence verily gives consent to some things. 
Imagine, "May I hold your hand?" 
"Thank you." 

The rich old suitor plays his cards thus: — 
At courtship diamonds are trumps, at 
proposal hearts are trumps, after the 
ceremony — clubs; and later a "frieze 
out" with a flush of spades. 

In a studio a man model is not always a 
model man. 

The ingredients in the social frappe consist 
of the foam of insincerity, the ice of in- 

[70] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



constancy, the sweetness of liberty, and 
the rosy glow of illusion. 

The man who says nothing and saws wood 
soon gets a woodpile that takes a long 
time to burn up. On the other hand, 
sometimes he never sees the fire. 

We are what we are, not what we think we 
are. 

A real bridge at hand is easier to cross than 
ten bridges of sighs. 

To the strong, trifling troubles are stepping 
stones to joyous ends; to the weak they 
are rocks of despair. 

Lonesomeness is largely a matter of self- 
pity. 

What may prove to be attraction to one is 
often distraction to another. 

[ 71 ] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



The world is a mirror that reflects what 
you give it, but the grouch wants it to 
magnify. 

The mortgage of real Hving is only foreclosed 
when you make your interest usurious. 

Telephonitis is the thief of time. 

The educated conscience is the newest 
microbe of evolution. 

Most people only get a point by sharpening 
a pencil. 

Distance lends enchantment, but nearness 
gets the man. 

After forty, a man loses that keen anxiety 
at a prospective meeting with his lady 
love. 

The early bird catches the worm, but the 
night-owl catches the devil. 

I 72] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Chair warmers never hear any good of 
themselves. 

The eyes are the windows of the soul — 
but sometimes the glass is smoked. 

He who runs may read, but he who rides 
must read. 

A man who passes a magazine to a girl in 
a train does so because he is lonely. 

Sometimes matters of course are matters 
of curse. 

The peacemaker always wins the girl him- 
self. **Why don't you speak for your- 
self, John.?" 

A pessimist is a stranger who has been 
"taken in" by his big brother, optimist. 

Men who are on the fence as to whether 
it is friendship or love are either "thrown 
down" or "take a tumble" themselves. 

[ 73] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



There is no place like home; and some- 
times it is a good thing there isn't. 

Funny, isn't it? how much louder the 
misereres are sung than the hallelujahs. 

Courtship is preparation, marriage is des- 
peration, and divorce is rejuvenation. 

When a man marries Miss Fortune he truly 
loves his mother-in-law, the elder Fortune. 

Travelling on the rim after forty is the result 
of not having looked to the tires before 
forty. 

When you plan a meeting for a couple you 
are certain will be lovers they usually 
hate each other. 

The man in the automobile does not 
always get the spark of joy. 

A lady is one who never stoops to conquer. 

[ 74] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



To a coquette all's well that spends well. 

A club is a place where a man never is when 
he is called on the *phone. 

Talebearers, like Mary's lamb, when they 
come home leave their wail behind them. 

Remembrance is the heritage of woman, 
forgetfulness the gift of man. 

Talebearers need a plumber for a leakage 
in their think-tanks. 

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound 
of cure, but a prude has all prevention 
and no cure. 

Self-preservation is the first law of nature, 
but to the up-to-date woman preserva- 
tion of self is the thing. 

The world is a mirror that reflects what we 
give — but we want it to magnify. 

[75] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



A long hair on a man's coat is much more 
difficult to explain than three dinner 
engagements. 

Lamps are known by their radiance, not 
by the racket they make. 

Twice-told tales are better than tell-tale 
letters. 



76 



Wise and Otherwise 

Self-consciousness is largely egotism. 

Girls swear undying devotion to each other, 
but how many will tell a man how at- 
tractive another girl is ? 

The penalty of greatness is to write auto- 
graphs. 

A woman who cannot influence a man for 
good had better give him up. 

For goodness' sake, sister, get something 
new. It is really most prehistoric to 
say, "I have just washed my hair and 
can't do a thing with it." 

Science is common-sense with a formula 
attachment. 

[77] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Repentance holds sway only when tempta- 
tion again enters the field. 

An ounce of consideration is worth a pound 
of contention. 

The scale in the life of the human starts 
out in the key of B natural, but as it 
goes on it often changes into that of A 
sharp. 

There are many ways of winning and many 
winning ways — yet it takes both to 
win. 

An ounce of attention is worth a pound of 
intention. 

It's all right to be from New York, but 
there are other cities. 

It is wise to be sure, but otherwise to be 
too sure. 

[78I 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



The street car of life bears the sign, " Pay 
as you enter-tain." 

Where ignorance is bliss 'tis folly to confess. 

A hint to the wise woman is sufficient, 
but a hint to the sufficient man is un- 
wise. 

In getting a secret out of a man a girl 
coaxes it out, a wife worms it out, and a 
suffragette storms it out. 

A telephone is an instrument by which 
one can break an engagement with 
ease. 

When a song bird seems to warble inwardly, 
presumably she is the understudy. 

Forget how easily you could fill the boss's 
chair. 

The girl who wants to shine hides her own 

light when she seeks borrowed plumes. 

[79] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



The evil men do is forgotten, but with a 
woman it becomes history. 

Anticipation is the ehxir of love, Realiza- 
tion the bitter sweet, and Retrospection 
the bad taste. 

The recording angel of the "Great White 
Way" must employ an army of stenog- 
raphers. 

Most men think they have made a hit when 
the hit has made them. 

Explanation very often spells confession. 
Never explain ! 

If wishes were automobiles, millionaires 
would fly. 

Nothing succeeds like successfully con- 
vincing the other fellow that you are a 
success. 

Turn the grouches into grins. 
[80] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Business wires must not be connected with 
heart-strings. 

The wise tumble to it; the otherwise fall 
for it. 

The question is not how to live long but 
how to long live. 

Wisdom teeth are usually cut on the wed- 
ding ring. 

'Tis a wise mouse that is sure the cat's 
away before it begins to play. 

A loving suffragette will embrace every 
opportunity. 

Many a woman who is an attraction to one 
man is distraction to another. 

'Tis the knowing man who says that you 
cannot know woman. 

There is nothing so cold as a cold mother- 
in-law. 

[8i ] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



If milk were intoxicating, what a lot of 
friends the cow would have. 

A pessimist is a graduated optimist. 

A pair of strong arms is sometimes the best 
press agent. 

Some women fall, others jump. 



[82] 



A CREED OF HUMANITY 

I believe every human is 
not witliout some good. 
Therefore I would practice 
such patience that perse- 
veres. I would so live as to 
cultivate the capacity of a 
great love for one, to deserve 
the blessing of a few friends, 
and yet to keep in touch 
with the pulse beat of hu- 
manity. So that in the course 
of time, should my love prove 
untrue and my friends desert 
me, I know that the milk of 
human kindness still flows. 
The law of balance is ever 
present. Thus if I believe in 
humanity, humanity will be- 
lieve in me. And in that be- 
lief I may even be born again. 



Humanisms 

The way to happiness is rarely paved with 
pleasure. 

Consideration is the watchword of wisdom. 

Co-operation is the key of understanding; 
get the key and make a wish. 

Never expect too much from a friend and 
you will never want for one. 

A bit of cheer, a grain of humour, has, times 
without number, been the one thing that 
has sugar-coated an otherwise bitter pill. 

There's many a gold nugget in the rock 
that does not show itself at once. 
[85] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Good cheer is the everyday prescription 
that keeps the heart ahve. 

In making an impression do not make it 
too deep — for it may cut through. 

Be a busy bee rather than a busy body. 

Decision is the dash that makes Jack master 
of one trade. 

Almost any heart will get up and go a- 
marching to the tune of a laugh. 

A happy thought expressed during a meal 
is worth three pills in aid of digestion. 

In seeking success learn wisdom from the 
man who has found it rather than from 
him who awaits it. 

In looking for germs of hygiene, don't 
overlook those of happiness. 

To keep the fire of business alive add the 
daily fuel of frolic. 

[ 86 1 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Enough of anything is plenty, but some of 
us must needs learn the great divide. 

Wear out, but never rust out. 

Be suspicious of the individual who pro- 
tests too much. Sometimes it means 
admission. 

Tis an ill wind that does not blow some- 
body good, but the majority of humans 
help the good to blow away. 

Reciprocity is the golden rule done up in 
a pill. 

A word is like a bullet — it cannot be 
recalled. 

Revenge is a rotting process. It only 
fertilizes the soil of destruction. 

Bluff is usually only a bubble and will burst 
if but touched. 

[87] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Deceit never got anybody anything but a 
free pass to loneliness. 

About the only thing one can collect now- 
adays is one's thoughts. 

Imagination is a beautiful attribute. Let 
it soar at times, but keep the level glass 
at hand. 

Mix the oil of gladness with the vinegar 
of sadness so that the sauce of life may 
be palatable. 

Consideration is the watchword of wisdom. 

Do the thing you think is best, and abide 
by it like a soldier. 

Throw the hammer of gossip into the sea. 
The fish are so busy they won't mind. 

The grey cloud of discontent makes a 
shadow and covers the silver lining. 

The note of cheer never goes to protest. 
[ 88 1 



Trouble 

There are two kinds of trouble: The kind 
you have and the kind you have n't. 
There are but few of the first sort, but 
of the second there is no end. 

For as a wise old man said, "I am an old 
man. I have had many troubles but 
most of them never happened.'' 

The funny thing about trouble is that there 
is no joy keener than taking a trouble by 
the tail and flinging it into the backyard. 

The energy you waste on worry over 
troubles drains the vitality. 

It multiplies the drug stores and enables 
the patent medicine folks to live on 
Fifth Avenue. 

[89] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



The educated conscience is the newest 
microbe of evolution. 

Trouble, the tempest in the teapot, should 
be "settled" speedily so that each may- 
have his cup of life more clear. 



(90I 



Divorce 

Divorce is the swan song of two souls with 
not a single thought. 

Divorce is the domestic declaration of 
Independence. 

The future dictionary will define platonic 
friendship as the interval between the 
separation and divorce. 

The marriage ceremony is the fighting 
chance, the divorce proceedings the 
chance for fighting. 

Divorce is the medium which starts the 
wheels of hope to move in another di- 
rection. 

[91 1 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



Divorce is the period marking the end of 
the poem that has neither meter, rhythm 
nor rhyme. 

'*Wad some power the giftie gic us" to see 
ourselves as our ex-husbands see us. 

The engagement ring ushers in the begin- 
ning; the wedding ring encircles the 
prize fight; the divorce rings out the old 
and rings in the new. 



[92] 



Taxi Tips 

A taxi-cab is an invention moving on the 
theory that the longest way 'round is 
the shortest way home. 

Time and taxi-meters wait for no man. 

Circumstances alter paces. 

Sufficient unto the night is the blow-out 
thereof. 

A spark in the engine is not the only place 
it's found. 

Locomotor Ataxia is an affliction that mani- 
fests itself at the remotest point between 
home and the garage. 

[93] 



EPIGRAMS OF EVE 



A hint to the wise chauffeur is an encyclo- 
paedia. 

A taxi in time saves many a curtain lecture. 

One crank in the engine often makes two 
in the taxi. 

Many a rising meter is responsible for a 
man's falling spirits. 

Chauffeur's motto: — "By their tips ye 
shall know them." 

He thinketh in his heart, **A fool and his 
money are soon parted." 



[94I 



Before and After 

Sometimes silence is thunderous and pre- 
cludes a storm. 

On birthdays after twenty, girls usually 
subtract rather than add. 

The man who after marriage forgets bou- 
quets, reasons that it is no use running 
for a street car after it is caught. 

A girl after twenty-five is not so cautious 
about the **stop, look and listen" sign, 
ere she cross the track of matrimony. 

Widows' weeds are not always grave affairs. 

Before marriage a bride is given showers; 
the storms come after. 

[95 ] 



NOV 24 1913 

EPIGRAMS OF EVE 

Before marriage a man sighs for a home. 
After marriage he still sighs — for a 
different reason. 

A girl who is much attached to a man before 
marriage will find she is very much 
attached to him afterwards. 

The prude sayeth in his heart: — **I love 
you kid, but, oh, my wife!" 

A man may take a plunge in the pool of 
love, but he looks long in the well of 
matrimony. It's so deep ! 

Love matches are often burned out before 
the wedding candles are lighted. 

The wages of sin are the thorns collected on 
the return journey of the "easiest way." 



[96] 

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